Why do parents dont listen to their child?

But at this stage of development, what parents really should do is "let them lead."

The big developmental objective in the teen years is to "set them up to be successful adults,"says Dr. Bemerer, and in order to do that we have to understand that their judgments and decisions will be based on their own experiences. The best thing parents can do is help kids feel validated in the process.

What Parental Validation Looks Like

Parental validation looks a lot like grownups biting their tongues. Cyndy Etler, teacher turned teen life coach and bestselling YA Author says, "what teens crave the most is feeling authentically heard."

Dr. Bemerer agrees. She suggests parents try whats called "reflective listening."This means to repeat what a person says back to them while reflecting their mood. For example, when your kid comes home from school and says, "I am so stressed about this test!"The parent needs to fight the urge to ask, "Did you study?"which sounds like an accusation.

Instead, simply repeat it back them. "So, this test is stressing you out, huh?"

More than likely your child will keep talking and say something like, "Yeah, Ive been studying for four days, and I just cant get this one part right."Youll get your questions answered when you give them the space to keep talking, and they will feel validated.

Dr. Bemerer says, "Reflective and active listening are tools therapists use because its a way to get people talking without adding our own biases into the conversation."If parents do this when communicating with their teens, it keeps the conversation going and they feel heard and understood while still getting to figure something out on their own.

Dr. Bemerer continues, "When kids are young, we are their problem solvers. As they grow, its hard to take yourself out of that role."For many, it is difficult to give it up because we know that teenagers dont always make the best decisions. But heres the thing: theyll never make good decisions if we dont let them practice while theyre still at home where its safe to make mistakes.

Check Your Fear

If you can establish this foundation of trusted listening with your teen, then it will help your communication when it comes to some of the bigger topics like depression, anxiety, and sexuality.

It can be scary, especially when it comes to disclosures about something thats not familiar for parents. If its not similar to their own experience, parents can feel lost.

When a parent tries to minimize a disclosure by saying something like, "Oh, its just a phase,"it trivializes their teens pain. What the parent may not realize is that they are really trying to manage their own fear. Fear of their child being hurt or judged. In these cases, Dr. Bemerer says, Reflective listening is perfect because you dont need to know what to do. When you repeat what they say back to them, it helps your brain process your teens disclosure without accidentally dismissing what theyre communicating.

Imparting Wisdom

When it comes to offering input or sharing personal stories, dont assume your teen wants to hear them. Etler suggests, "If you think it will help them, put it out there as an option so they can hear it if they want."She is also quick to add, "but dont make it the only option or the last option you list."Otherwise the teen may feel obligated. Say something like, "I went through something similar and Im willing to share but I totally understand if you just need to decompress with a bowl of popcorn and some YouTube right now. And of course, if you want to keep talking it through, Ill listen and help however I can."Make it their choice.

Remember, as a parent of a teen, the goal is not to necessarily to fix anything, but to support your teen through their own decision-making process. The goal is to send them out into the world better equipped.

Bonnie Jean Feldkamp is a member of the Enquirer editorial board and communications director of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. She lives in Fort Thomas.Email: Find her on Twitter and Instagram: @writerbonnie.

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